Our Story

My experience

I had my first psychotic “episode” in the summer of 1990. It was the A-number-one scariest thing I have ever experienced.

Even today, half of my life later, I get some of the same feelings, that some people might call bizarre if they ever had them, but that I now just take in stride. It’s the impression that something is fundamentally wrong with the way I’m experiencing things, which I now understand is just a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, so why get upset over it? Now, when I feel this way, I just relax and it goes away.

But, when I was a naïve eighteen-year-old, burning to prove myself and new to adversity, the sudden onset of these feelings late one night struck me with a life-shifting impact. I had just come back from an unsettling week scuba diving with my friend Amanda, who I had hoped to woo but whom I found out was already involved with another guy, and I was trying to be a better person, someone worthy of romantic love. On the way home, I had met another girl I was interested in, but I felt she was slipping away too. I was lying awake, trying to sleep, confused about why the last week at my parents’ home alone had been so unpleasant. Amanda seemed to enjoy every moment; why couldn’t I? And why hadn’t Leah called me back yet? Somehow I had it in my swirling thoughts that I had a responsibility to myself to be happy, no matter what. And then it happened.

It was like half of my head suddenly disappeared, the right half. All the tension that had built up there over the last week had vanished, leaving a hole in my awareness.

"Okay, what just happened to me?”

“Is half of my mind gone?”

“Where are my emotions? Think of… Amanda… What happened to the affection I had for her? What’s wrong with me? Aaaaah shit!”

I decided to try to sleep and forget about it. But it didn’t go away. The drive to be whole was too strong. I was awake for the next four days, wandering the local streets in search of the part of me I thought I had lost.

Fortunately, my high school friend Lynn was close by. When I went to see her she saw that I needed more help than she could give, and she checked me into the local psychiatric hospital in Walnut Creek. At the time, the diagnosis of schizophrenia was almost too much for me to take.

And it was hard on my whole family. At first, my Mom felt responsible for it, but Mike Levin, my first psychiatrist there in Walnut Creek, explained to her and my Dad that it was no one’s fault--it was a genetic risk for some families if a recent ancestor had lived with it. My Mom, Dad, and then-11-year-old sister Shannon bravely did everything they could to keep me safe and on the right track--and my Dad’s words are still with me, having reached me there through the darkness:

Our family, Garen, Shari, Brandon and Shannon

“There’s a lot of love coming from here, Brandon.”

Even when I had almost given up, I knew I couldn’t let him, my Mom, and Shannon down. Soon, I was able to think of reasons to keep on living, and began the long, slow climb back to balance.

Now, seventeen years later, I am whole again! My life is free and full of meaning. Every step, looking back, has been worth it. My Mom and Dad and sister, my grandmother Darlene, my friends, my girlfriend Nancy—all have taught me so much, and I couldn’t love them more. And, my psychiatrist for the last decade, Dr. Alan Lai, has been a great coach as I’ve sorted out what it means to think and feel and be alive. I love this life I’ve built, with their help.

And now I have a chance to give back! Welcome to our website for the Music Festival for Mental Health!

-Brandon Staglin

The Music Festival for Mental Health

My parents, Garen and Shari, inspired by their desire to help me recover, decided to make the most of their resources to pursue cures for people with brain disorders everywhere. So, they started The Music Festival for Mental Health, hosting scientists, musicians, wineries and chefs at our vineyard for the first time in 1995. Since then, they’ve managed to raise $53 million for brain research programs, spreading knowledge in the search for a cure. Now the whole family and winery staff works together to produce the festival each year.

Won’t you join our festival to help find a cure?